Sometimes life sucks. But it's a good thing.

This is me right now. You are sleeping hard core in my lap while I type this. 

Well Little,

You are sick. Again. You have had an ear infection/ cold/ eye infection/ and/or allergic reaction to medicine for about 2 months now. It is so sad seeing you sick. There is nothing worse.

So I am going through my first mommy emotional breakdown with you. Here's the story: you sleep with daddy and I every night. And I love it. It is so sweet waking up in the morning with you. You reach over and touch my face to say hello to me, and then you roll over and smile at Daddy. Those moments are precious to me. I know to appreciate all of these mornings with you because one day you will be older and will live away from me. I don't even like to think of that because it already kills me that you aren't always going to to need me this way. I mean... you are always going to need me because I am your mom, but you won't always need me to help you fall asleep.

Why are these thoughts causing me an emotional breakdown? Because I am realizing that I need to start working on you sleeping in your own bed. It's important for you to be able to get to sleep without me. It's the first step towards your eventual independence, and I am going to miss waking up next to you! I am going to miss you needing me in order to fall asleep. It is hurting me so bad that you are already growing up. It may seem like a little thing, but I just love you and am so attached to you. Ah! It is hard being a mother. Really. Really. Really. Hard. You are everything to me, and I am realizing the depth of my love for you more and more every day. Without you I am nothing. No one can understand the love a mother has unless she is a mother herself. It's just true. And as much as I want you to grow up and become a strong badass woman, I want you to lay in my arms forever.

Shut up, Katlyn. Stop going on and on.

Ok. I'm back. In other news, I am doing stand-up some more, and I experienced my first sort-of failure. I just wasn't that great, and I had a bunch of friends and family in the audience. It was ok, but it is still embarrassing when you feel you have disappointed yourself and others. You will understand this one day because we all go through this feeling. We all fall short from time to time. That's what makes us interesting. If we were all perfect all the time, then we would have no depth. We would be just like robots who don't really know how "bad" and "hurt" and "disappointment" feels. Therefore, we would not know truly how great "great" is and happy "happiness" is and exciting "excitement" is. Because I wasn't great during my performance, I have learned from my mistakes, and I have also learned that failure is a part of what I am choosing to do. Not every audience will like me. So I gotta be tough. I'm working on that.

And I have to be tough with you sometimes. Like with this sleeping thing. I am not tough at all right now. I am a wimp when it comes to you because I just love you so much, but this is not only the beginning of helping you assert your independence in this world. It is also helping me learn how to be a good mother. Because I gotta be tough sometimes to be good.

But it sucks.

Sometimes you just gotta except that life sucks.


I love you. So. Much.

-Mommy

You're sick. But I still think you're cool.

Hey Little.

Enjoy your video!

Almost 6 months old!! SAY WHAT!?

Little,

You are asleep on me right now while I watch TV and eat Halloween candy. Your daddy works nights right now so you and I have the bed to ourselves. You sleep with me every night. Everyone tells me not to do that, but you are just so darn cute. Plus you wake up ever 2 hours to eat (If you wanted to sleep through the night, I'd be okay with that...just so you know)

You are almost 6 months old. It. Is. Crazy. Why do you grow so fast???????? STOP! I am so scared that tomorrow I am going to wake up, and you will be walking out the door on your way to college.

It is weird how happy I am. I am one of those people that is never really satisfied with life. And let me tell you. That's no way to be, chick-a-dee. You gotta be happy with what you got. You may have acne, a big butt, an awful job, an annoying mom (well, you don't have to worry about that...) but you have to find a way to be okay with it all. Because this is life. This is it. The good days and the bad days. They all count. You have to find a way to be okay with every day of your life so you don't live in regret.

Much of my young life, I wanted to be something other than what I was. I wanted to be tanner, more popular, braver, etc. Now I have you and I realize how silly all that was. None of that matters. All that matters is how true you are to yourself. Embrace yourself, and anyone that doesn't appreciate that can go suck a lemon.

What else is on my mind?

Well I'm trying to get back to doing stand-up. I may be a busy mom, but I still gotta follow my passions. I am also working at a day care right now. I bring you with me every day, and your surprisingly not miserable there. You pretty much hate other people most of the time (except for me and your dad, of course.) You aren't one of those social babies. You know what you like and what you need and feel no need for any other nonsense (aka other people). I respect that, but I don't want you to be too antisocial. It makes life harder. Trust me. The happiest days of my life I put myself out there and let others in. The fluidity of life. Shutting yourself off never works out.

Why do all these blog posts turn into lessons?

BECAUSE I WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE EASY! I do! I want to hand you all my mistakes and life lessons so you don't have to hurt ever.

But I know that isn't reality. You are going to mess up. You are going to experience pain. And you need to. It will make you a bad-ass.

Sorry for cursing.

I love you. So. Much.

Mommy

ps. you have a sweet mohak

Rollin' over

Madelyn,

You are just so dang big. Yesterday you rolled over for the first time. It. Was. Amazing. You and I were practicing (I needed some practice rolling over, too) in your room, and I just knew you were going to do it. You were trying so hard, and it made me so proud of you. I cannot even imagine how proud I am going to be when you take your first steps, say your first words, get back from your first day of school, get into college! AHH It is going to happen so fast. I hate it. And I love it. It is very exciting having you around, little one.

Anyways. So yesterday you were trying so hard to roll over, and I was getting so excited and squeaky (I squeak when I get excited...) and then BAM you rolled over. I was so excited I screamed and cried immediately. I scared you a little when I did that. I'm sure it was terrifying for you. So... sorry about that. I was just so overwhelmed! You did it! All on your own! It was your first official "first." So congrats! I know you have been working hard for these past 4 months.

I am so glad that I was able to be there for your first "firsts." I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home with you right now to take care of you and be there for all your big moments. Your dad works very hard to make that possible. You seem to like the situation, too, because whenever we try to let someone else take care of you for a little bit, you get super angry. You love your mom and dad! It's so cute and a little bit sad when we hand you to someone else, and you don't feel like allowing that to continue. You look around the room for me, and when you find me you give me the biggest pouty face in the world. You're getting better around people, though. It makes sense that you would be a little shy and anti-social. The first 3 months of your life were spent with just your mommy and you in the apartment most of the day, and then daddy when he got home from work. We were all you needed. And we still are.

While you do need to be able to go out on your own, interact with others, and stand strong away from your mommy and daddy, you need to know that we will always ALWAYS be there for you. No matter what. It doesn't matter what you do, what mistakes you make, or what situations you get into. Mommy and Daddy will drop everything to be there for you. You are our everything, and we love it that way.

You are beautiful. Keep doin' what you're doin'. It's working for you.

I love you.


Mommy

Growing- A little lovely poem for my little lovely girl

Everything is growing.

Your hands, your feet, your hair.
Everything is growing,
And now you're everywhere.
You're in air I breathe;
You're in the world I see;
You're in my thoughts while I'm awake,
And always in my dreams.
You are still my little baby,
Only 14 weeks
And yet you're growing so fast;
So fast I fear to blink.
Everything is growing,
Your arms, your legs, your toes.
As soon as I learn a new part of you,
It grows and grows and grows.
Everything is growing,
And this is only the start.
Everything is growing
Most importantly the love in my heart.


I love you. You amaze me.

Even when you poop on me.

I'm a little crazy...

Hey little.

Well you are officially 5 weeks old today. I cannot believe it. You have already grown and changed so much. Life just moves too quickly when you have a baby! I want you to stay little forever, but I also cannot wait to hear what your voice sounds like and watch you grow into a beautiful strong woman. Being a mother is impossible. I want to protect you from everything, but I know that just isn't what is always best. . One day you are probably going to look at me and think, "This woman is so freakin' dumb. She doesn't let me do anything I want, and there is no reason for it! GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Or maybe you won't. Maybe you will always think I am the coolest person in the world (which I am.... besides you, of course.) More than likely, though, you will think I'm pretty lame. Just remember that I am just trying to be the best mother for you, and sometimes I will do it wrong. But often, I will know what I am talking about and sometimes the right thing for me to do leads to you not liking me so much.

I just watched this TV show called "16 and Pregnant." I used to loves this show. It's all about these 16 year olds...who are....pregnant. I probably didn't need to explain that. Now that I have a little one, though, this show is so stressful. I hate it. These 16 year olds are so immature and unprepared for a baby. I was 22 when I had you, which is by no means old, but I had at least gone through highschool and college and learned a little somethin' somethin' about life before having you. I knew better what I really believed. I didn't just hold the beliefs and opinions of my parents or my friends. I knew what I loved to do. I know what a bad relationship was like because I had been through a few. So, when you came along, I had some experience that prepared me a little better for motherhood. These 16 year olds, though, stress me out in a major way. They have their stupid boyfriends that start off being so excited about being dads but then turn out to be immature losers when the baby and all the responsibilities come along with it arrive. The young moms are always shocked when their mothers turned out to be right when they were telling their daughters how hard it was going to be, and how you have to sacrifice a lot for a baby. I'm not trying to bash 16 year olds. They serve a purpose in this life, but they are too young for babies. It made me really start to freak out about you being 16! I wanted to give you the "don't have babies" talk today! You don't really understand english, though, so I figured I'd wait a little longer.

I just truly deeply want you to be happy. I know I am rambling in this post. I'm just so good at rambling, though!

I'm going to tell you a little about me today so you can have an idea what a 22 year old (23 in 4 days!) version of your mom is like. Pretty much all I do all day is feed you, change your diaper, change your clothes (you like to pee all over yourself. That's information I could use against you when you're older....), change my clothes (you like to pee all over me, too,) nap when you nap, clean up the house, and sneak in some meals for me in between your meals. Sounds super boring, right? But, nay! Before I got pregnant, if someone told me that is what I would be doing with my life, I would have smacked him or her right in the mouth. Now, though, I love this life. I love watching you grow up. I love spending time with you... even when you are a very cranky, loud little being. I need this time with you. Everyday I love you more, which seems impossible since I loved you so completely from the beginning.

Now that you are here, many of my plans for life are shifting, but many others still remain. I still want to write something someday (very vague... I know). I still want to use my theatre degree in some way. Also vague. These goals used to be much more specific, but since you entered my life those specifics have changed. These changes are not "sacrifices," though. They are just changes. Change is what life is all about, and I am happy that my goals are not what they were. That is the difference between a person that has a baby after going through the whole "being a teenager, making mistakes, trying life out, figure out what your passionate about" phase and a person that hasn't done that yet or is in the middle of it. So... what I'm saying is...don't have a baby at 16! THAT SHOW REALLY FREAKED ME OUT!

This post is too much. I apologize.


I am going to go and take you on a walk in the park.


I love you. And don't you forget it!

-Mom

A lot of love for such a little person

Hello Madelyn!

You are sound asleep right now in your little swing. I thought I would write to you a little bit before I take a nap.

For now, I just want to tell you how much I love having you. Your dad got to stay home for 2 weeks after you were born, which was great. The three of us had the best time. Everyone talks about how stressful and exhausting the first few weeks can be with a newborn, and, yes, there were some very tiring moments, but for the most part they have been the best few weeks of our lives. You are hilarious. I knew you would be, but dang, you make me laugh all the time. You make the most amazing facial expressions I have ever seen on any baby. On any person, for that matter. You are such a great little baby. You sleep plenty. You usually sleep 4 to 5 hours at night, which is amazing for a 3 week old. You really don't cry that much. You are just perfect. Everyone thinks so, too. Your Mimi and Uncle Baxter just left a week or so ago. It was Uncle Baxter's first time meeting you, and he is officially in love. Your Mimi and Papi are equally in love. And this week, your Grammie, Grandaddy and Auntie Em are visiting, and they love you a tremendous amount. So much love for you, little one.  Whenever people see you, they melt. You have no idea how many people's lives you have already touched. Friends of friends of cousins of friends see your picture and just can't believe how beautiful and sweet you look. And anyone that spends time with you thinks you are such an amazing little person. I am lucky. It's just true.

Ok. You are threatening to wake up right now so I am going to take this opportunity to fit a few minutes of sleep into my life. I love you, Butterbean (that's what your daddy and I call you at the moment. I think you're ok with it.)

I'll write more later.

Love forever,
Mommy