And this is what we do when mom gets bored...

You are a few days shy of 11 months old here, which is only a month shy of a year. That is something I cannot handle so I'm choosing not to believe it.

As much as it freaks my beak (yes... I know that's a lame expression. Accept it. I'm your mother) that time passes so quickly, I do love your little 11 month old personality. You get more sassy and funny and cute and sweet every day.


I love you so much.

-Mom

Dance even when you're miserable.

Well it's been 10 months, and I still think you are amazing. I've never had a baby before so I didn't know if after a while, babies just get boring and you hate them.... But nope. I still love you more than anything. So that's cool.

You crawl everywhere. You LOVE to dance. If anyone even drops something on the ground, you think it's a sweet beat and you start dancing. My favorite is when you are upset so I start some music, and you start dancing...while crying... it's hilarious. Nothing stops you from dancing! Not even misery.

Keep that skill.

Life will suck. I'm just being real. Who knows why it has to suck. It just does a lot of the time. BUT you can beat life at it's own game if you see the shitty-ness that is upon you and find the good in it.

For example, I started working on a play about 3 years ago, and I would pick it up and work on it little by little every so often when I felt inspired. I LOVE this play. It is the first play that I have started that I feel really confident about. I think it is clever and well written and interesting. And.... I lost it. Just the other day I felt super inspired, and when I went to get the journal that I wrote the play in, it was nowhere to be found. I got so depressed. It's still eating at me, but I just keep telling myself that I just have to work that much harder to write something even better. Maybe I am supposed to lose that play so that I start a new one that is even better. If I hadn't lost it, I would have spent another few years working on a play that would never have succeeded. I'm choosing to believe that and let it inspire me to continue writing.

I'm just saying that you can let the downfalls in life keep you from persevering. Life will never be easy. Life will never be handed to you. No matter how much money you have; No matter what job you have; No matter where you live; No matter who you're with. Life will find a way to challenge you. Just don't give up, okay? Just keep fighting to be happy. It's a job in and of itself.


Also, don't trust TV.

More on that later, little butt.

For now, though, you are wailing and I need to go take care of you.


I love you so much

Mommy

I'm annoying and should never be on camera. You are beautiful

Sometimes life sucks. But it's a good thing.

This is me right now. You are sleeping hard core in my lap while I type this. 

Well Little,

You are sick. Again. You have had an ear infection/ cold/ eye infection/ and/or allergic reaction to medicine for about 2 months now. It is so sad seeing you sick. There is nothing worse.

So I am going through my first mommy emotional breakdown with you. Here's the story: you sleep with daddy and I every night. And I love it. It is so sweet waking up in the morning with you. You reach over and touch my face to say hello to me, and then you roll over and smile at Daddy. Those moments are precious to me. I know to appreciate all of these mornings with you because one day you will be older and will live away from me. I don't even like to think of that because it already kills me that you aren't always going to to need me this way. I mean... you are always going to need me because I am your mom, but you won't always need me to help you fall asleep.

Why are these thoughts causing me an emotional breakdown? Because I am realizing that I need to start working on you sleeping in your own bed. It's important for you to be able to get to sleep without me. It's the first step towards your eventual independence, and I am going to miss waking up next to you! I am going to miss you needing me in order to fall asleep. It is hurting me so bad that you are already growing up. It may seem like a little thing, but I just love you and am so attached to you. Ah! It is hard being a mother. Really. Really. Really. Hard. You are everything to me, and I am realizing the depth of my love for you more and more every day. Without you I am nothing. No one can understand the love a mother has unless she is a mother herself. It's just true. And as much as I want you to grow up and become a strong badass woman, I want you to lay in my arms forever.

Shut up, Katlyn. Stop going on and on.

Ok. I'm back. In other news, I am doing stand-up some more, and I experienced my first sort-of failure. I just wasn't that great, and I had a bunch of friends and family in the audience. It was ok, but it is still embarrassing when you feel you have disappointed yourself and others. You will understand this one day because we all go through this feeling. We all fall short from time to time. That's what makes us interesting. If we were all perfect all the time, then we would have no depth. We would be just like robots who don't really know how "bad" and "hurt" and "disappointment" feels. Therefore, we would not know truly how great "great" is and happy "happiness" is and exciting "excitement" is. Because I wasn't great during my performance, I have learned from my mistakes, and I have also learned that failure is a part of what I am choosing to do. Not every audience will like me. So I gotta be tough. I'm working on that.

And I have to be tough with you sometimes. Like with this sleeping thing. I am not tough at all right now. I am a wimp when it comes to you because I just love you so much, but this is not only the beginning of helping you assert your independence in this world. It is also helping me learn how to be a good mother. Because I gotta be tough sometimes to be good.

But it sucks.

Sometimes you just gotta except that life sucks.


I love you. So. Much.

-Mommy

You're sick. But I still think you're cool.

Hey Little.

Enjoy your video!

Almost 6 months old!! SAY WHAT!?

Little,

You are asleep on me right now while I watch TV and eat Halloween candy. Your daddy works nights right now so you and I have the bed to ourselves. You sleep with me every night. Everyone tells me not to do that, but you are just so darn cute. Plus you wake up ever 2 hours to eat (If you wanted to sleep through the night, I'd be okay with that...just so you know)

You are almost 6 months old. It. Is. Crazy. Why do you grow so fast???????? STOP! I am so scared that tomorrow I am going to wake up, and you will be walking out the door on your way to college.

It is weird how happy I am. I am one of those people that is never really satisfied with life. And let me tell you. That's no way to be, chick-a-dee. You gotta be happy with what you got. You may have acne, a big butt, an awful job, an annoying mom (well, you don't have to worry about that...) but you have to find a way to be okay with it all. Because this is life. This is it. The good days and the bad days. They all count. You have to find a way to be okay with every day of your life so you don't live in regret.

Much of my young life, I wanted to be something other than what I was. I wanted to be tanner, more popular, braver, etc. Now I have you and I realize how silly all that was. None of that matters. All that matters is how true you are to yourself. Embrace yourself, and anyone that doesn't appreciate that can go suck a lemon.

What else is on my mind?

Well I'm trying to get back to doing stand-up. I may be a busy mom, but I still gotta follow my passions. I am also working at a day care right now. I bring you with me every day, and your surprisingly not miserable there. You pretty much hate other people most of the time (except for me and your dad, of course.) You aren't one of those social babies. You know what you like and what you need and feel no need for any other nonsense (aka other people). I respect that, but I don't want you to be too antisocial. It makes life harder. Trust me. The happiest days of my life I put myself out there and let others in. The fluidity of life. Shutting yourself off never works out.

Why do all these blog posts turn into lessons?

BECAUSE I WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE EASY! I do! I want to hand you all my mistakes and life lessons so you don't have to hurt ever.

But I know that isn't reality. You are going to mess up. You are going to experience pain. And you need to. It will make you a bad-ass.

Sorry for cursing.

I love you. So. Much.

Mommy

ps. you have a sweet mohak

Rollin' over

Madelyn,

You are just so dang big. Yesterday you rolled over for the first time. It. Was. Amazing. You and I were practicing (I needed some practice rolling over, too) in your room, and I just knew you were going to do it. You were trying so hard, and it made me so proud of you. I cannot even imagine how proud I am going to be when you take your first steps, say your first words, get back from your first day of school, get into college! AHH It is going to happen so fast. I hate it. And I love it. It is very exciting having you around, little one.

Anyways. So yesterday you were trying so hard to roll over, and I was getting so excited and squeaky (I squeak when I get excited...) and then BAM you rolled over. I was so excited I screamed and cried immediately. I scared you a little when I did that. I'm sure it was terrifying for you. So... sorry about that. I was just so overwhelmed! You did it! All on your own! It was your first official "first." So congrats! I know you have been working hard for these past 4 months.

I am so glad that I was able to be there for your first "firsts." I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home with you right now to take care of you and be there for all your big moments. Your dad works very hard to make that possible. You seem to like the situation, too, because whenever we try to let someone else take care of you for a little bit, you get super angry. You love your mom and dad! It's so cute and a little bit sad when we hand you to someone else, and you don't feel like allowing that to continue. You look around the room for me, and when you find me you give me the biggest pouty face in the world. You're getting better around people, though. It makes sense that you would be a little shy and anti-social. The first 3 months of your life were spent with just your mommy and you in the apartment most of the day, and then daddy when he got home from work. We were all you needed. And we still are.

While you do need to be able to go out on your own, interact with others, and stand strong away from your mommy and daddy, you need to know that we will always ALWAYS be there for you. No matter what. It doesn't matter what you do, what mistakes you make, or what situations you get into. Mommy and Daddy will drop everything to be there for you. You are our everything, and we love it that way.

You are beautiful. Keep doin' what you're doin'. It's working for you.

I love you.


Mommy