Whatever you are, be a good one.

Hey Little,
  So you are almost 13 months old. You are at one of the cutest moments in your life, so far. You laugh and talk (your own little language, that is) and point and dance and walk and fall all the time. You constantly move and make your presence known, and I would not have it any other way. It's so entertaining.

I have something on my mind, and this is it: When you grow up, I want you to be smart. It's important to be impulsive sometimes and fun sometimes and goofy sometimes and even a little ridiculous sometimes, but it is VERY important to be smart. What kind of smart? I'm talking smart with your life plans. I'm not telling you that you have to have this huge elaborate life plan that involves you making tons of money. I'm just saying that it is very important for you to have your own life and your own money and your own passions and your own beliefs that do not depend on another person. I am at a point in my life where I do not have stable income without your father. Luckily, I love your father so I'm not worried about losing him or his financial support. I still wish, though, just for my own sense of self-worth that I had my own career and my own money (that I would share with your father, as he shares with me, of course). I believe a woman should be able to support herself, even if she is married, in case something were to happen to her husband or if something happened in her marriage. Women should be just as self-reliant as men. We are just as smart. Just as hardworking. And we deserve to experience the fulfillment that comes from being self-sustaining. I just hope that you will be smarter than I was and be financially stable before starting a family. While being your mother is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done, I sometimes wish I could give you more. I want to be a great mother and great role model, and to be a great role model I feel I need to lead by example. I want you to be successful (in whatever path you choose) and I believe you need to see a woman doing her own thing and being the best at it. Your Mimi is a great example of that, but even she got started in family life a little too soon and it's taken her longer than I want it to take you to find your career path.

Basically, I'm saying I want you to be a Bad-A B ("bad-ass bitch") and not depend on a man. And I hope you find a man when you are ready who will, like your father, be willing to work ridiculously hard to give you the life you want. I just hope you won't need a man. Is that making any sense?

Ok. I should go.

I love you. So much.

Be strong.
Be the best you can be.

Love,
Mommy

A little wisdom

Sometimes it's better to listen than talk. That's a hard one for me.

You are 1!

Mini Me

Mommy and Daddy

Sweet matching overalls

Food!

Well we had a fantastic little hoe-down for your birthday. So many people came to celebrate, and you entertained them all like the little charmer you are! You are extremely talkative, goofy, and not to mention sassy. Lordy, are you sassy. 

What else about you? Hmmmm.... you dance ALL the time. You talk ALL the time. You LOVE dogs. You are very stubborn and do things all in your own time. OH! You are walking (sorta...) You choose when you can and can't walk. You are very sweet and loving. You don't care much for strangers, though. Which is a good thing.  In this world, it is not good to be too suspicious and wary, but it is smart to always be aware that not everyone in this world has the best intentions. So trust your family. Trust yourself. Be kind to all, but don't be too trusting of those who you don't really know. I have seen that there are far too many desperate people on this planet who, though they may not be bad at heart, will harm anyone to get what they want or need. 

So for the downer! That is not delightful birthday talk! I just thought about that, though, and I do think it is important. I want you to be safe always! AHHH being a mother is scary business!

Anyway... back to Birthday Land. I am so ridiculously happy to have you. Before you, I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew what was important. I thought I knew what I wanted. But I was so stupid. I knew nothing until I saw your face. You make everything clearer. Thank you for a great year. I look forward to a lifetime more.

Here is some more annoying (but good) advice: Life can be serious business. You can't avoid the "to-do" lists of life, but you can put a little adventure in your life to keep things light. Accept the hard work of life because it makes you strong and makes you feel like you have earned your happiness. Make sure you take some time-outs though, even during the really busy, hectic and heinous times to enjoy being alive. That's the point of life! 

You are so young with so much happiness and adventure left in you. I wish I knew when I was a child and even when I was in college how fondly I would remember those times. I would have appreciated them more. Appreciate every happy moment in your life. It will get you through the tough ones along the way.

Ok enough of that! I love you, Little (that's what I call you... I hope that's ok :)

Love you always,

Mommy

And this is what we do when mom gets bored...

You are a few days shy of 11 months old here, which is only a month shy of a year. That is something I cannot handle so I'm choosing not to believe it.

As much as it freaks my beak (yes... I know that's a lame expression. Accept it. I'm your mother) that time passes so quickly, I do love your little 11 month old personality. You get more sassy and funny and cute and sweet every day.


I love you so much.

-Mom

Dance even when you're miserable.

Well it's been 10 months, and I still think you are amazing. I've never had a baby before so I didn't know if after a while, babies just get boring and you hate them.... But nope. I still love you more than anything. So that's cool.

You crawl everywhere. You LOVE to dance. If anyone even drops something on the ground, you think it's a sweet beat and you start dancing. My favorite is when you are upset so I start some music, and you start dancing...while crying... it's hilarious. Nothing stops you from dancing! Not even misery.

Keep that skill.

Life will suck. I'm just being real. Who knows why it has to suck. It just does a lot of the time. BUT you can beat life at it's own game if you see the shitty-ness that is upon you and find the good in it.

For example, I started working on a play about 3 years ago, and I would pick it up and work on it little by little every so often when I felt inspired. I LOVE this play. It is the first play that I have started that I feel really confident about. I think it is clever and well written and interesting. And.... I lost it. Just the other day I felt super inspired, and when I went to get the journal that I wrote the play in, it was nowhere to be found. I got so depressed. It's still eating at me, but I just keep telling myself that I just have to work that much harder to write something even better. Maybe I am supposed to lose that play so that I start a new one that is even better. If I hadn't lost it, I would have spent another few years working on a play that would never have succeeded. I'm choosing to believe that and let it inspire me to continue writing.

I'm just saying that you can let the downfalls in life keep you from persevering. Life will never be easy. Life will never be handed to you. No matter how much money you have; No matter what job you have; No matter where you live; No matter who you're with. Life will find a way to challenge you. Just don't give up, okay? Just keep fighting to be happy. It's a job in and of itself.


Also, don't trust TV.

More on that later, little butt.

For now, though, you are wailing and I need to go take care of you.


I love you so much

Mommy

I'm annoying and should never be on camera. You are beautiful

Sometimes life sucks. But it's a good thing.

This is me right now. You are sleeping hard core in my lap while I type this. 

Well Little,

You are sick. Again. You have had an ear infection/ cold/ eye infection/ and/or allergic reaction to medicine for about 2 months now. It is so sad seeing you sick. There is nothing worse.

So I am going through my first mommy emotional breakdown with you. Here's the story: you sleep with daddy and I every night. And I love it. It is so sweet waking up in the morning with you. You reach over and touch my face to say hello to me, and then you roll over and smile at Daddy. Those moments are precious to me. I know to appreciate all of these mornings with you because one day you will be older and will live away from me. I don't even like to think of that because it already kills me that you aren't always going to to need me this way. I mean... you are always going to need me because I am your mom, but you won't always need me to help you fall asleep.

Why are these thoughts causing me an emotional breakdown? Because I am realizing that I need to start working on you sleeping in your own bed. It's important for you to be able to get to sleep without me. It's the first step towards your eventual independence, and I am going to miss waking up next to you! I am going to miss you needing me in order to fall asleep. It is hurting me so bad that you are already growing up. It may seem like a little thing, but I just love you and am so attached to you. Ah! It is hard being a mother. Really. Really. Really. Hard. You are everything to me, and I am realizing the depth of my love for you more and more every day. Without you I am nothing. No one can understand the love a mother has unless she is a mother herself. It's just true. And as much as I want you to grow up and become a strong badass woman, I want you to lay in my arms forever.

Shut up, Katlyn. Stop going on and on.

Ok. I'm back. In other news, I am doing stand-up some more, and I experienced my first sort-of failure. I just wasn't that great, and I had a bunch of friends and family in the audience. It was ok, but it is still embarrassing when you feel you have disappointed yourself and others. You will understand this one day because we all go through this feeling. We all fall short from time to time. That's what makes us interesting. If we were all perfect all the time, then we would have no depth. We would be just like robots who don't really know how "bad" and "hurt" and "disappointment" feels. Therefore, we would not know truly how great "great" is and happy "happiness" is and exciting "excitement" is. Because I wasn't great during my performance, I have learned from my mistakes, and I have also learned that failure is a part of what I am choosing to do. Not every audience will like me. So I gotta be tough. I'm working on that.

And I have to be tough with you sometimes. Like with this sleeping thing. I am not tough at all right now. I am a wimp when it comes to you because I just love you so much, but this is not only the beginning of helping you assert your independence in this world. It is also helping me learn how to be a good mother. Because I gotta be tough sometimes to be good.

But it sucks.

Sometimes you just gotta except that life sucks.


I love you. So. Much.

-Mommy