In the words of the great...

In the words of the great Madelyn Gabor, "I'm so essited!"

I am so excited to write to you again. I have been super busy, per usual, but it's important that I write to you and keep you posted on your life.

So you officially three years old! It's so freakin' crazy. 3 years passed so quickly! And just to think that by the time you are reading this, you will probably be a teenager or older. Right now you are downstairs at Grammy's house having a little "snacky snack" while I put Penny down for a nap. Well, I was about to put Penny down for a nap, but she keeps eating pretzels so I'm letting her "snacky snack" too while I write to you!

So, I am actually pretty sad at this moment in my life because I am about to go to a Web development school in Atlanta, and I cannot take you girls with me. I will be gone for three months, but I will get to see you every week because Dad and Mimi and Poppy promised to bring you to me every weekend. It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have to do it.

Why?

Well, our family has been a little stuck, as of late. We were so young when we started our family and we thought we knew EVERYTHING about life. Shocking... We didn't. In fact, I knew very little. I knew that I loved theatre and art and doing what I want and dancing and eating oreos, and I thought that would get me through everything. Ugh. No. Life apparently requires money, which requires a good job. This is the opportunity for me to get a great job to provide for you girls but still get to be home enough and have good hours so that I can be a great mother and have time for my passions.

You gotta make sacrifices to get where you want in life. That is a fact. Not an opinion. So get ready for that. Because sometimes this shit is hard.

In the words of the great Katlyn Gabor, "Sometimes this shit is hard." What sweet motherly advice.


What else?

You're a genius. Don't get all cocky and shtuff, but you are. You speak SO WELL for your age. You just know so much! Your memory is bizarrely good. You remember EVERYTHING. I can never promise you a cookie and then you forget. You remember that cookie months later.

You are a good big sister, although Penny gets on your nerves. I mean, I don't blame you for getting annoyed. She's a year old and thinks life is just about doing what you want in that moment without any concept of manners or sharing. She is the sweetest little sister, but sometimes she knocks your blocks over and you want to punch her in the face. While I understand that, I must insist that you don't punch your sister in the face.

In the words of the great Katlyn Gabor, "Don't punch your sister in the face."

This is timeless advice.

She loves you. She thinks you are the funniest coolest B in the world. And you are.


Right now you love pretending to be doctor. You also love making up words. You just say jibberish. It's pretty fascinating. You also like to say, " I AM NEVER DOING THAT!" when you don't want to do something like make your bed or clean your toys up. It's pretty dramatic.

You also love going to daycare and playing with your friends. Every person you meet, by the way, is your friend. "That's my friend and that's my friend and that's my friend." "That kid that just walked in that you've never met is your friend?" "Yes. He's my best friend."

Love it.

 And I love you.
 
    And I'll miss you terribly these three months, but this is the best thing for you and for our family. I got us matching sets temporary tattoos and every day we are going to wear matching ones. That way you know I am thinking of you and loving you, even from two hours away.

I love you so much, Little.

Mommy

Happy Merry Christmas!

Little!

First off,  Happy Merry Christmas! (That's how you say it.) Today was your 3rd Christmas, but it was your first  with your baby sister! You had a wonderful day! You love love love Christmas. You love presents, obviously, but you are so sweet because you always said thank you after every gift you opened (and there were a lot of gifts. The grandparents spoiled you, as they should). You are finally starting to understand Santa. It's still a bit confusing to you that a big fat guy brings you presents while you're sleeping and there are flying reindeer involved, which isn't surprising because that sounds really weird. But you get really excited by the whole idea of Christmas. Your big present was a Thomas train set, and you loved it.

So it has been a while since I've written. I have been very busy since having your sister. Two little girls can create a lot of work for a mommy, but I have loved every moment. Seeing you be such a sweet big sister has brought me so much joy. You are only two and a half and yet you are so loving and patient (most of the time...) and willing to to share your life with this small thing that eats and cries all the time. Before Penelope, you had me all to yourself all day, basically, and then all of a sudden, I have this very needy creature that takes up a lot of my time, and yet you are so understanding. You are a remarkable little girl. You are freaky smart. You speak so well and understand concepts so well. It's a bit scary. You are also so respectful. You have such a genuinely kind heart. You actually amaze me. And I'm not just saying this because I'm your mom. People tell me all the time how sweet and polite and smart you are. I could not be prouder.

Right now you are obsessed with ballet. You listen to Tchaikovsky all day and twirl around. You watched a documentary (yes, a documentary. Not a kids show but a boring documentary) about ballet with me one night while I lay in bed with you and since then you have been hooked. You have watched that movie dozens of times and you mimic the ballerina's dance moves. It's incredible. You are a very disciplined 2 year old,I must say.

Except when it comes to potty training. You understand how to use the potty perfectly, and yet you refuse to do it. It is of no interest to you. You have too much Tchaikovsky to dance to. You can't be bothered with pooping in a toilet. So that kind of sucks for me, but in every other way, basically, you are exceptional so I can handle some potty training woes.

You have major sass at times. When you decide you are pissed (which usually happens when you are tired), you will stop at nothing to get what you want. Your tenacity is both admirable and completely infuriating. I actually spanked you once, which I didn't think I would ever do. But you drove me to madness ( plus I was tired too...) and I spanked you. You freaked out and forbid me to enter your room. When I did, you wailed and hid from me. I felt awful. I left you alone. It took at least an hour for you to calm down enough to let me in. Finally I got you sane and then you hit Penelope later for pulling your hair ( one of her favorite hobbies). I realized right then that spanking you wouldn't work and wasn't right. You pick up on things so quickly and emulate me so much that I really have to watch myself with you. You make me work hard to be a better mother.

I need to go to bed. I love you so much Little. You make me a better woman. I'm proud of you. You aren't perfect (because no one is) but you are perfect for me. I will always see you that way.

Love,
Mom

Some more Little Lessons and a 21 Month Check-in

Little!

     Hey sweet girl. I just wanted to check in really quick with you. You are now 21 months old. As of today, actually. Crazy! You will be two soon, which is incredibly dumb. Just yesterday you were just a wad of pooping and crying cuteness. Now, though, you walk, talk (really well for your age, if I may say so), dance (of course), sing, and let's not forget, fight back. You are now old enough to resist and fight when you don't want to do something. It's.... cute? Sometimes it is a little adorable and slightly hilarious to watch you throw a tantrum that ends with you flailing yourself to the floor and repeating the word "no" over and over and over and over and over again. Sometimes, though, it's stressful and I just roll my eyes and let it happen.

LIFE LESSON TIME! YAY! So, first off, there will be times in our lives together that you will, for lack of a better phrase, piss me off. And I will snap at you, probably. Or I will roll my eyes and ignore you. And you will get mad at me, and we will argue, and there will be tons of stress and you may even think to yourself (or you may even say to me), "I hate you, mom!" And while that will devastate me in that moment, I understand that you and I will have our differences. We will not always agree. You will not always just follow me around and adore everything I do like you do now. Sometimes you won't like me, but know that I will always love you and you have to always love me, whether you like it or not, because I birthed you and you took a really long time to come out so you owe me.

Plus I'm awesome, so it's hard not to love me. Right? No? Yeah?

Second life lesson, don't eat out of the trash can. You just grabbed a cereal bar that you threw away and took another bite.... I mean... It was on top and in a wrapper so it's not as bad as it could have been, I guess. But, still... just... don't do that.


Ok. Enough life lessons for today. I love you, Little. You've given my life purpose and meaning and limitless love, and for that I will always be grateful.



Love always,
Mommy

A Little News

Little!


You are 17 months at this moment, and you are sitting next to me on the couch in our little apartment begging me to watch you favorite show "DABBA!" or "Yo Gabba Gabba" in adult language. It is 7am here. You decided to wake up at 6, which I guess is okay. So we are just having some Mommy-Madelyn time before Daddy wakes up.

What should I catch you up on?

Well, you are speaking so very well for your age. Some of your words include: please, thank you, night   night, more, outside, kitty, dog, snack, treat, water, yo gabba gabba, shoes, socks, hot, diaper, butt-paste (it's like a diaper rash cream), cheese, keys, blocks, bye bye, hair, nose, Mimi, Papi, and of course Mama and Dada. I'm sure you know more words, but that is all I can think of right now. It's still too early for me to be thinking!

You love shoes. LOVE shoes. You love Ingrid, our kitty. You still dance on-call. It's pretty hilarious. And overall you are such a dang sweet little girl. You always say please ("peas") when you want something. You grab my hand and pull me where you want to go saying, "peas! peas!" all the way. So cute.

What else?

Mimi and Papi took you and me to our favorite beach last week. Dad couldn't go because he had to work. While we missed your dad, you had so much fun. You are finally old enough to appreciate the beach. You would constantly bring Mimi your bucket and tell her to go get you some water. You like being the boss. (I do, too :) ) We also tried Paddleboarding for the first time. Well, I did. You are still a little small, but you liked sitting on the Paddleboard while Mimi, Papi, or I let the waves crash onto you.  You are quite the beach baby. So cute.

One big piece of news I suppose I should catch you up on: You are going to have a little brother or sister soon! Mommy is 3 months pregnant. Pretty crazy stuff! I am very excited, but I am very nervous to have another baby because I don't want you, my precious Little, to feel neglected. You and I are used to spending all of our time together. We do everything together. I know that another little one will just add to the fun and love in our life, but it is still scary since we have never had two kids!

My advice for the day: Cherish your sibling. In life, you will, of course, always have your father and I and you can tell us anything, but sibling love is something special on its own. Since you will be so close in age, you guys can understand what each other is going through sometimes better than your old Mommy and Daddy. We don't always mean to be old and clueless, but sometimes we will be.

Also, since you will be the older sibling, it is your responsibility to help your younger brother or sister in life. Being an older sister is a tremendous joy. I know because I am your Uncle B's big sister. Sometimes it gets difficult because you want to be his or her friend, but you know that he or she is doing something stupid and you should probably try to prevent it. You can't be the boss of your sibling, but hopefully you guys will be so close that you will be able to talk openly and lovingly about serious, and sometimes even awkward topics.

As our family grows, you have more people to love and help you through life. So, I hope you are excited, too. You will love having a sibling. Okay... sometimes you will hate it. You will fight like angry demons, but even so, you will end up with a friend who knows you better than anyone. It's totally worth the silly fights and pestering that siblings cause sometimes.

Ok. This post is long and, I fear, boring. I'm distracted by Yo Gabba Gabba and by my own exhaustion. Oh well. I love you love you love you. You will be an amazing big sister because you are already an amazing, loving little girl.

Here are some pictures! YEAH!

Love always,

Your Mommy

Girly Girl

This is how dang cute you are at 15 months old. Mimi likes to buy you pink things. You love purses and shoes. "Shoes" was one of your first words, and you now know how to put them on. You are definitely a girly girl. For now, at least. I love it! I love you no matter what kind of girl you are, though!

Oh yeah. Beach stuff.

OH yeah. We went to the beach last week. You loved it. LOVED it. You ate a lot of sand, which was awkward but cute. 

Whatever you are, be a good one.

Hey Little,
  So you are almost 13 months old. You are at one of the cutest moments in your life, so far. You laugh and talk (your own little language, that is) and point and dance and walk and fall all the time. You constantly move and make your presence known, and I would not have it any other way. It's so entertaining.

I have something on my mind, and this is it: When you grow up, I want you to be smart. It's important to be impulsive sometimes and fun sometimes and goofy sometimes and even a little ridiculous sometimes, but it is VERY important to be smart. What kind of smart? I'm talking smart with your life plans. I'm not telling you that you have to have this huge elaborate life plan that involves you making tons of money. I'm just saying that it is very important for you to have your own life and your own money and your own passions and your own beliefs that do not depend on another person. I am at a point in my life where I do not have stable income without your father. Luckily, I love your father so I'm not worried about losing him or his financial support. I still wish, though, just for my own sense of self-worth that I had my own career and my own money (that I would share with your father, as he shares with me, of course). I believe a woman should be able to support herself, even if she is married, in case something were to happen to her husband or if something happened in her marriage. Women should be just as self-reliant as men. We are just as smart. Just as hardworking. And we deserve to experience the fulfillment that comes from being self-sustaining. I just hope that you will be smarter than I was and be financially stable before starting a family. While being your mother is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done, I sometimes wish I could give you more. I want to be a great mother and great role model, and to be a great role model I feel I need to lead by example. I want you to be successful (in whatever path you choose) and I believe you need to see a woman doing her own thing and being the best at it. Your Mimi is a great example of that, but even she got started in family life a little too soon and it's taken her longer than I want it to take you to find your career path.

Basically, I'm saying I want you to be a Bad-A B ("bad-ass bitch") and not depend on a man. And I hope you find a man when you are ready who will, like your father, be willing to work ridiculously hard to give you the life you want. I just hope you won't need a man. Is that making any sense?

Ok. I should go.

I love you. So much.

Be strong.
Be the best you can be.

Love,
Mommy

A little wisdom

Sometimes it's better to listen than talk. That's a hard one for me.

You are 1!

Mini Me

Mommy and Daddy

Sweet matching overalls

Food!

Well we had a fantastic little hoe-down for your birthday. So many people came to celebrate, and you entertained them all like the little charmer you are! You are extremely talkative, goofy, and not to mention sassy. Lordy, are you sassy. 

What else about you? Hmmmm.... you dance ALL the time. You talk ALL the time. You LOVE dogs. You are very stubborn and do things all in your own time. OH! You are walking (sorta...) You choose when you can and can't walk. You are very sweet and loving. You don't care much for strangers, though. Which is a good thing.  In this world, it is not good to be too suspicious and wary, but it is smart to always be aware that not everyone in this world has the best intentions. So trust your family. Trust yourself. Be kind to all, but don't be too trusting of those who you don't really know. I have seen that there are far too many desperate people on this planet who, though they may not be bad at heart, will harm anyone to get what they want or need. 

So for the downer! That is not delightful birthday talk! I just thought about that, though, and I do think it is important. I want you to be safe always! AHHH being a mother is scary business!

Anyway... back to Birthday Land. I am so ridiculously happy to have you. Before you, I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew what was important. I thought I knew what I wanted. But I was so stupid. I knew nothing until I saw your face. You make everything clearer. Thank you for a great year. I look forward to a lifetime more.

Here is some more annoying (but good) advice: Life can be serious business. You can't avoid the "to-do" lists of life, but you can put a little adventure in your life to keep things light. Accept the hard work of life because it makes you strong and makes you feel like you have earned your happiness. Make sure you take some time-outs though, even during the really busy, hectic and heinous times to enjoy being alive. That's the point of life! 

You are so young with so much happiness and adventure left in you. I wish I knew when I was a child and even when I was in college how fondly I would remember those times. I would have appreciated them more. Appreciate every happy moment in your life. It will get you through the tough ones along the way.

Ok enough of that! I love you, Little (that's what I call you... I hope that's ok :)

Love you always,

Mommy

And this is what we do when mom gets bored...

You are a few days shy of 11 months old here, which is only a month shy of a year. That is something I cannot handle so I'm choosing not to believe it.

As much as it freaks my beak (yes... I know that's a lame expression. Accept it. I'm your mother) that time passes so quickly, I do love your little 11 month old personality. You get more sassy and funny and cute and sweet every day.


I love you so much.

-Mom

Dance even when you're miserable.

Well it's been 10 months, and I still think you are amazing. I've never had a baby before so I didn't know if after a while, babies just get boring and you hate them.... But nope. I still love you more than anything. So that's cool.

You crawl everywhere. You LOVE to dance. If anyone even drops something on the ground, you think it's a sweet beat and you start dancing. My favorite is when you are upset so I start some music, and you start dancing...while crying... it's hilarious. Nothing stops you from dancing! Not even misery.

Keep that skill.

Life will suck. I'm just being real. Who knows why it has to suck. It just does a lot of the time. BUT you can beat life at it's own game if you see the shitty-ness that is upon you and find the good in it.

For example, I started working on a play about 3 years ago, and I would pick it up and work on it little by little every so often when I felt inspired. I LOVE this play. It is the first play that I have started that I feel really confident about. I think it is clever and well written and interesting. And.... I lost it. Just the other day I felt super inspired, and when I went to get the journal that I wrote the play in, it was nowhere to be found. I got so depressed. It's still eating at me, but I just keep telling myself that I just have to work that much harder to write something even better. Maybe I am supposed to lose that play so that I start a new one that is even better. If I hadn't lost it, I would have spent another few years working on a play that would never have succeeded. I'm choosing to believe that and let it inspire me to continue writing.

I'm just saying that you can let the downfalls in life keep you from persevering. Life will never be easy. Life will never be handed to you. No matter how much money you have; No matter what job you have; No matter where you live; No matter who you're with. Life will find a way to challenge you. Just don't give up, okay? Just keep fighting to be happy. It's a job in and of itself.


Also, don't trust TV.

More on that later, little butt.

For now, though, you are wailing and I need to go take care of you.


I love you so much

Mommy

I'm annoying and should never be on camera. You are beautiful

Sometimes life sucks. But it's a good thing.

This is me right now. You are sleeping hard core in my lap while I type this. 

Well Little,

You are sick. Again. You have had an ear infection/ cold/ eye infection/ and/or allergic reaction to medicine for about 2 months now. It is so sad seeing you sick. There is nothing worse.

So I am going through my first mommy emotional breakdown with you. Here's the story: you sleep with daddy and I every night. And I love it. It is so sweet waking up in the morning with you. You reach over and touch my face to say hello to me, and then you roll over and smile at Daddy. Those moments are precious to me. I know to appreciate all of these mornings with you because one day you will be older and will live away from me. I don't even like to think of that because it already kills me that you aren't always going to to need me this way. I mean... you are always going to need me because I am your mom, but you won't always need me to help you fall asleep.

Why are these thoughts causing me an emotional breakdown? Because I am realizing that I need to start working on you sleeping in your own bed. It's important for you to be able to get to sleep without me. It's the first step towards your eventual independence, and I am going to miss waking up next to you! I am going to miss you needing me in order to fall asleep. It is hurting me so bad that you are already growing up. It may seem like a little thing, but I just love you and am so attached to you. Ah! It is hard being a mother. Really. Really. Really. Hard. You are everything to me, and I am realizing the depth of my love for you more and more every day. Without you I am nothing. No one can understand the love a mother has unless she is a mother herself. It's just true. And as much as I want you to grow up and become a strong badass woman, I want you to lay in my arms forever.

Shut up, Katlyn. Stop going on and on.

Ok. I'm back. In other news, I am doing stand-up some more, and I experienced my first sort-of failure. I just wasn't that great, and I had a bunch of friends and family in the audience. It was ok, but it is still embarrassing when you feel you have disappointed yourself and others. You will understand this one day because we all go through this feeling. We all fall short from time to time. That's what makes us interesting. If we were all perfect all the time, then we would have no depth. We would be just like robots who don't really know how "bad" and "hurt" and "disappointment" feels. Therefore, we would not know truly how great "great" is and happy "happiness" is and exciting "excitement" is. Because I wasn't great during my performance, I have learned from my mistakes, and I have also learned that failure is a part of what I am choosing to do. Not every audience will like me. So I gotta be tough. I'm working on that.

And I have to be tough with you sometimes. Like with this sleeping thing. I am not tough at all right now. I am a wimp when it comes to you because I just love you so much, but this is not only the beginning of helping you assert your independence in this world. It is also helping me learn how to be a good mother. Because I gotta be tough sometimes to be good.

But it sucks.

Sometimes you just gotta except that life sucks.


I love you. So. Much.

-Mommy

You're sick. But I still think you're cool.

Hey Little.

Enjoy your video!

Almost 6 months old!! SAY WHAT!?

Little,

You are asleep on me right now while I watch TV and eat Halloween candy. Your daddy works nights right now so you and I have the bed to ourselves. You sleep with me every night. Everyone tells me not to do that, but you are just so darn cute. Plus you wake up ever 2 hours to eat (If you wanted to sleep through the night, I'd be okay with that...just so you know)

You are almost 6 months old. It. Is. Crazy. Why do you grow so fast???????? STOP! I am so scared that tomorrow I am going to wake up, and you will be walking out the door on your way to college.

It is weird how happy I am. I am one of those people that is never really satisfied with life. And let me tell you. That's no way to be, chick-a-dee. You gotta be happy with what you got. You may have acne, a big butt, an awful job, an annoying mom (well, you don't have to worry about that...) but you have to find a way to be okay with it all. Because this is life. This is it. The good days and the bad days. They all count. You have to find a way to be okay with every day of your life so you don't live in regret.

Much of my young life, I wanted to be something other than what I was. I wanted to be tanner, more popular, braver, etc. Now I have you and I realize how silly all that was. None of that matters. All that matters is how true you are to yourself. Embrace yourself, and anyone that doesn't appreciate that can go suck a lemon.

What else is on my mind?

Well I'm trying to get back to doing stand-up. I may be a busy mom, but I still gotta follow my passions. I am also working at a day care right now. I bring you with me every day, and your surprisingly not miserable there. You pretty much hate other people most of the time (except for me and your dad, of course.) You aren't one of those social babies. You know what you like and what you need and feel no need for any other nonsense (aka other people). I respect that, but I don't want you to be too antisocial. It makes life harder. Trust me. The happiest days of my life I put myself out there and let others in. The fluidity of life. Shutting yourself off never works out.

Why do all these blog posts turn into lessons?

BECAUSE I WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE EASY! I do! I want to hand you all my mistakes and life lessons so you don't have to hurt ever.

But I know that isn't reality. You are going to mess up. You are going to experience pain. And you need to. It will make you a bad-ass.

Sorry for cursing.

I love you. So. Much.

Mommy

ps. you have a sweet mohak

Rollin' over

Madelyn,

You are just so dang big. Yesterday you rolled over for the first time. It. Was. Amazing. You and I were practicing (I needed some practice rolling over, too) in your room, and I just knew you were going to do it. You were trying so hard, and it made me so proud of you. I cannot even imagine how proud I am going to be when you take your first steps, say your first words, get back from your first day of school, get into college! AHH It is going to happen so fast. I hate it. And I love it. It is very exciting having you around, little one.

Anyways. So yesterday you were trying so hard to roll over, and I was getting so excited and squeaky (I squeak when I get excited...) and then BAM you rolled over. I was so excited I screamed and cried immediately. I scared you a little when I did that. I'm sure it was terrifying for you. So... sorry about that. I was just so overwhelmed! You did it! All on your own! It was your first official "first." So congrats! I know you have been working hard for these past 4 months.

I am so glad that I was able to be there for your first "firsts." I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home with you right now to take care of you and be there for all your big moments. Your dad works very hard to make that possible. You seem to like the situation, too, because whenever we try to let someone else take care of you for a little bit, you get super angry. You love your mom and dad! It's so cute and a little bit sad when we hand you to someone else, and you don't feel like allowing that to continue. You look around the room for me, and when you find me you give me the biggest pouty face in the world. You're getting better around people, though. It makes sense that you would be a little shy and anti-social. The first 3 months of your life were spent with just your mommy and you in the apartment most of the day, and then daddy when he got home from work. We were all you needed. And we still are.

While you do need to be able to go out on your own, interact with others, and stand strong away from your mommy and daddy, you need to know that we will always ALWAYS be there for you. No matter what. It doesn't matter what you do, what mistakes you make, or what situations you get into. Mommy and Daddy will drop everything to be there for you. You are our everything, and we love it that way.

You are beautiful. Keep doin' what you're doin'. It's working for you.

I love you.


Mommy

Growing- A little lovely poem for my little lovely girl

Everything is growing.

Your hands, your feet, your hair.
Everything is growing,
And now you're everywhere.
You're in air I breathe;
You're in the world I see;
You're in my thoughts while I'm awake,
And always in my dreams.
You are still my little baby,
Only 14 weeks
And yet you're growing so fast;
So fast I fear to blink.
Everything is growing,
Your arms, your legs, your toes.
As soon as I learn a new part of you,
It grows and grows and grows.
Everything is growing,
And this is only the start.
Everything is growing
Most importantly the love in my heart.


I love you. You amaze me.

Even when you poop on me.

I'm a little crazy...

Hey little.

Well you are officially 5 weeks old today. I cannot believe it. You have already grown and changed so much. Life just moves too quickly when you have a baby! I want you to stay little forever, but I also cannot wait to hear what your voice sounds like and watch you grow into a beautiful strong woman. Being a mother is impossible. I want to protect you from everything, but I know that just isn't what is always best. . One day you are probably going to look at me and think, "This woman is so freakin' dumb. She doesn't let me do anything I want, and there is no reason for it! GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Or maybe you won't. Maybe you will always think I am the coolest person in the world (which I am.... besides you, of course.) More than likely, though, you will think I'm pretty lame. Just remember that I am just trying to be the best mother for you, and sometimes I will do it wrong. But often, I will know what I am talking about and sometimes the right thing for me to do leads to you not liking me so much.

I just watched this TV show called "16 and Pregnant." I used to loves this show. It's all about these 16 year olds...who are....pregnant. I probably didn't need to explain that. Now that I have a little one, though, this show is so stressful. I hate it. These 16 year olds are so immature and unprepared for a baby. I was 22 when I had you, which is by no means old, but I had at least gone through highschool and college and learned a little somethin' somethin' about life before having you. I knew better what I really believed. I didn't just hold the beliefs and opinions of my parents or my friends. I knew what I loved to do. I know what a bad relationship was like because I had been through a few. So, when you came along, I had some experience that prepared me a little better for motherhood. These 16 year olds, though, stress me out in a major way. They have their stupid boyfriends that start off being so excited about being dads but then turn out to be immature losers when the baby and all the responsibilities come along with it arrive. The young moms are always shocked when their mothers turned out to be right when they were telling their daughters how hard it was going to be, and how you have to sacrifice a lot for a baby. I'm not trying to bash 16 year olds. They serve a purpose in this life, but they are too young for babies. It made me really start to freak out about you being 16! I wanted to give you the "don't have babies" talk today! You don't really understand english, though, so I figured I'd wait a little longer.

I just truly deeply want you to be happy. I know I am rambling in this post. I'm just so good at rambling, though!

I'm going to tell you a little about me today so you can have an idea what a 22 year old (23 in 4 days!) version of your mom is like. Pretty much all I do all day is feed you, change your diaper, change your clothes (you like to pee all over yourself. That's information I could use against you when you're older....), change my clothes (you like to pee all over me, too,) nap when you nap, clean up the house, and sneak in some meals for me in between your meals. Sounds super boring, right? But, nay! Before I got pregnant, if someone told me that is what I would be doing with my life, I would have smacked him or her right in the mouth. Now, though, I love this life. I love watching you grow up. I love spending time with you... even when you are a very cranky, loud little being. I need this time with you. Everyday I love you more, which seems impossible since I loved you so completely from the beginning.

Now that you are here, many of my plans for life are shifting, but many others still remain. I still want to write something someday (very vague... I know). I still want to use my theatre degree in some way. Also vague. These goals used to be much more specific, but since you entered my life those specifics have changed. These changes are not "sacrifices," though. They are just changes. Change is what life is all about, and I am happy that my goals are not what they were. That is the difference between a person that has a baby after going through the whole "being a teenager, making mistakes, trying life out, figure out what your passionate about" phase and a person that hasn't done that yet or is in the middle of it. So... what I'm saying is...don't have a baby at 16! THAT SHOW REALLY FREAKED ME OUT!

This post is too much. I apologize.


I am going to go and take you on a walk in the park.


I love you. And don't you forget it!

-Mom

A lot of love for such a little person

Hello Madelyn!

You are sound asleep right now in your little swing. I thought I would write to you a little bit before I take a nap.

For now, I just want to tell you how much I love having you. Your dad got to stay home for 2 weeks after you were born, which was great. The three of us had the best time. Everyone talks about how stressful and exhausting the first few weeks can be with a newborn, and, yes, there were some very tiring moments, but for the most part they have been the best few weeks of our lives. You are hilarious. I knew you would be, but dang, you make me laugh all the time. You make the most amazing facial expressions I have ever seen on any baby. On any person, for that matter. You are such a great little baby. You sleep plenty. You usually sleep 4 to 5 hours at night, which is amazing for a 3 week old. You really don't cry that much. You are just perfect. Everyone thinks so, too. Your Mimi and Uncle Baxter just left a week or so ago. It was Uncle Baxter's first time meeting you, and he is officially in love. Your Mimi and Papi are equally in love. And this week, your Grammie, Grandaddy and Auntie Em are visiting, and they love you a tremendous amount. So much love for you, little one.  Whenever people see you, they melt. You have no idea how many people's lives you have already touched. Friends of friends of cousins of friends see your picture and just can't believe how beautiful and sweet you look. And anyone that spends time with you thinks you are such an amazing little person. I am lucky. It's just true.

Ok. You are threatening to wake up right now so I am going to take this opportunity to fit a few minutes of sleep into my life. I love you, Butterbean (that's what your daddy and I call you at the moment. I think you're ok with it.)

I'll write more later.

Love forever,
Mommy

You are real!

Well Madelyn... all the rumors were true. The giant belly I grew over the past 9 and a half months was, indeed, full of baby; and that baby was you!

You are beautiful. Really. Not the "you are beautiful because you are my daughter but you are actually kind of ugly" kind-of-way.. I mean.. you are beautiful in the "you are my daughter so it doesn't matter how you look" kind of way, but you are also beautiful in the very superficial unimportant way. Your face just makes me smile. Your eyes are so gorgeous and filled with curiousity. Your little mouth makes the funniest expressions (especially when you poop... I'm just sayin'....)

Even if you were the ugliest little scrawny baby in the world, though, I would love you so deeply. This is a great lesson in life. Looks truly do no matter. I know you will be beautiful your whole life, but I want you to know that even when you feel ugly and gross (because everyone does sometimes), your mother and your father and the rest of your family and the true friends you have made do not even notice or care. It really doesn't make any difference. You will always have love surrounding you.

I have not always felt pretty in my life. I have been very sad and miserable at times because I felt ugly, which led me to feel worthless. This world does that to people, especially women. As I have grown and matured, I have realized how absurd those feelings are, but they would still creep in from time to time. Now, though, I have you, and I realize what is really important: Loving the ones that love you and caring for your family and friends. I knew this before, but never felt it to be so true until I held you for the first time.

You are now in the real world, and I am now really your mother. These two facts blow my mind. These two facts change everything. These two facts now make everything in my life make sense. You have given me purpose, and I will always give you love. We will always have each other. No matter what. Really. No matter what.

Alright baby girl. You are sleeping on daddy's chest right now, but I am sure you will be up soon and wanting your 4th lunch of the day so I'm going to go take care of that.

Welcome home.

Love you more every day,
Mommy